Have you ever responded to a compliment with a self-deprecating retort? For example, when someone compliments your home on its cleanliness, you respond with “Oh, don’t look too closely.” Or when someone compliments your outfit, you say, “Oh, it’s cheap.”

If this sounds like familiar, then you may have a reason for difficulty in simply saying “thank you.” In fact, our society makes it difficult for “thank you” to be a complete sentence.

We asked therapists what it means if you have trouble accepting compliments, and what you can do to do better.This is what they said:

As a society, humility is encouraged, making it hard to accept compliments.

“In America, we’re taught to be very humble and honestly conservative,” says Emmlee Bierly, a licensed marriage and family therapist, co-owner of Therapy Group in Pennsylvania, and co-host of the “ShrinkChicks” podcast )explain. “Like, this country was definitely Puritan to begin with.”

We are taught that accepting compliments may even change how people view us. There’s a misconception that your gratitude can be mistaken for vanity. For women and girls, this view may be even stronger.

Especially when women attend social events in this country, we are very worried about looking self-centered or overconfident. We were very scared of what this might mean for us. I accepted the compliment and I was “full of myself.”

For our BIPOC community, cultural beliefs and values ​​also play a role, especially for those of us who come from collectivist cultures.

In collectivist cultures, people are not taught to focus on the individual as this is seen as selfish. Therefore, these communities prioritize the value of humility, and receiving compliments means being immodest in these communities. This makes it more difficult to simply say thank you for a compliment.

You could also experience low self-esteem.

Motier believes that for some people, an inability to accept compliments may be a sign of low self-worth or low self-esteem.

When someone compliments us, we don’t necessarily believe them.So our beliefs about ourselves are also a factor.

For example, if you’re uncomfortable with your public speaking abilities and a colleague compliments you after a big presentation, you might accept the compliment with some skepticism.

This is especially true for those whose parents or caregivers also have low self-esteem.

They don’t really have a role model or someone to watch [how they should respond to compliments]. They will only respond based on what they have learned or what they have seen their caregivers or parents do. This is usually a red herring response like “Oh, stop” or “I messed up two minutes into my speech.”

There is also a fear of being seen.

We have a hard time being seen, and for some this can come from an anxiety space… “I don’t like people looking at me, I don’t like people paying attention to me, I don’t like being the center of something.”

Default In some cases, compliments make you the center of the conversation. This can lead to people rejecting the compliment or changing the subject as quickly as possible to get out of the spotlight.

Compliments don’t carry the same weight for everyone.

For some people, compliments are life changing and mean a lot, it’s how I feel safe, it’s how I get compliments, it’s how I feel loved. But for some people, they really don’t care, they take it all to heart.

Regardless, it’s important to understand what a compliment means to you. If you are someone who needs recognition and praise, it is important to know yourself. If you don’t need this guarantee, that’s okay.

If you want to learn to accept compliments, notice how they make you feel.

One thing I ask people to do is track where the compliments are going to get you.

Think back to a time when you refused to accept a compliment and ask yourself why you responded that way. For example, if someone compliments your clothes and you reply, “It’s cheap,” ask yourself why you responded that way. Do you want that person to stop talking about it? Don’t you want them to think you have expensive stuff?

Then, once you are able to find or identify that feeling, try using some countervailing ideas. So, what’s wrong with me saying thank you? I worry what does it say about me? What feeling am I trying to avoid when I refute this statement? Why do I need to dismiss it?

Also, remember that a compliment is one person’s opinion, not necessarily yours. An important thing to understand about compliments is knowing that the person is sharing their perspective with me. I may not always agree with others, but that’s okay, receiving a compliment and agreeing with it are two very different things.

Over time, if you accept compliments more often, you can learn to agree with them if you want to. But just thanking someone for complimenting your hair or outfit doesn’t mean you automatically agree as well.

Don’t be afraid to ask a professional for support.

Your inability to accept compliments may be socially determined, making it a deep-seated problem. Low self-worth is not something you can get rid of just by thinking about it.

It can be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist to deal with the things that make it difficult for you to accept compliments. A therapist can provide you with additional help, asking prompting questions and providing a different perspective.

Most of the time, we are our own harshest critics, and having a neutral, alternative perspective can be very helpful.

If you really want to get better at receiving compliments, know that it’s possible and you deserve the recognition.